Newtonmas 2010
by butchinthestreets
Summary: In commemoration of the month of December of the year 2010. Daily snippets with no particular pairings held to, T for Language, Insinuation and erotism.
1. Decorations

The new girl, a short and green-eyed and, let's face it, _fat _redhead stares.

"What exactly has happened to this place?"

"It's Christmas. Decorations are traditional, no?"

"I suppose, but isn't this the base for the Children of the Spider?"

"What difference does that make? Even spiders can acknowledge the death of a man who lived long ago."

"See, the thing is, I never thought a _spider_ was capable of wearing a pointy red elf-hat."

The tall, skinny woman with long black nails rolls her eyes and pats one of the nearby arachnids with a careful hand. "They're _miniature_ pointy red elf-hats."

"Oh. Right. That makes so much more sense. I don't see how I could have missed that."

"Hush."

* * *

**A/N: Yay. December.**

**So, if you're not a follower of Christ, don't celebrate Christmas or think it's a blatant plagiarism of Pagan winter solstice festivals or a commercialization of an ancient celebration, perhaps you could think of this as merely another Calendar of Crackfic. Whatever suits you.  
**

**The dates and updating might get a bit mixed up around the seventeenth or so, but maybe not...**

**~Mademise Morte, December 1  
**


	2. Music

"It's Christmas-time, darling, so would you please shut that din off?"

Crystal Edgley stares at her mother with a seething rage, fist clenching and unclenching slowly. Carol, on the other hand, grins and flies to the CD player. _Soul Poison_ by Hannah Fury is duly switched to _If On a Winter's Night_ by Sting. Beryl Edgley doesn't seems to be any happier about this, but she leaves anyway.

Crystal is then thrown her earphones and iPod. Carol turns the CD player a bit softer, flounces to her twin's side and steals one earbud. They return in peace to _Soul Poison.

* * *

_**A/N: I had a mini-debate with myself over whether I should put this under _Red and Gold_ or as part of this one.**

**Obviously, _Christmas Crackfic_ won over.**

**~Mademise Morte, December 2  
**


	3. Tree

Clarabelle is making cranes.

This is not a particularly unusual occurrence. She is perpetually folding cranes, or stars, or little flowers.

They are red and green and gold. She duly strings them up, and then looks about idly. There is a distinct lack of Christmas tree to hang them off of.

She really must talk to Kenspeckle about that.

* * *

**A/N: That's what I'm going to do.**

**Fold tree-ornaments.**

**~Mademise Morte, December 3  
**


	4. Buche de Noel

"What are you baking, Valkyrie?"

"A _buche de noel_."

"It looks delicious."

"No matter how chocolate-y it may be, you can't lick the batter. No."

"…"

"Don't give me those eyes, Tanith."

"But I'm practically your sister! _Why can't I have some?_"

"Because."

"You're so mean."

"You know you love it."

* * *

**A/N: December isn't December without _buche de noel_.**

**January isn't January without _galette des rois_.**

**Life is not life without chocolate XD**

**~Mademise Morte, December 4  
**


	5. Pain

"My fingers hurt."

"Don't whine, Valkyrie."

"My back hurts."

"Sure."

"My wrist hurts."

"… Dare I ask?"

"My lessons are painful, and I have to practice so much, too!"

There is a sort of strangled choke from the direction of the skeleton. She rolls her eyes.

"I'm learning to play _Christmas carols_ on the _violin_, oh-strangely-perverted-skeletal-one."

* * *

**A/N: Um, yeah.**

**Crackfic, remember?**

**~Mademise Morte, December 5  
**


	6. Movies

"That's a dreadfully unrealistic skeleton."

"It's a stop motion cartoon for children, Skulduggery, what did you expect?"

"She's putting _deadly nightshade_ in his soup?"

"It doesn't actually kill him. Much."

"Do you not have any Christmas movies other than unbelievably cheerful Disney productions?"

"I have the muppets Christmas Carol."

"Never mind."

"We can watch that later, okay?"

"Sure."

"Yeah."

"I'm bored."

"You suck the fun out of everything, I swear."

* * *

**A/N: Nightmare Before Christmas. Not mine.**

**This one is more fluff than crack...**

**~Mademise Morte, December 6  
**


	7. Profanity

_On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…_

Fletcher is singing loudly, off-key and with markedly confused lyrics. Valkyrie is Not Happy.

"Be quiet."

He rolls his eyes at her and continues singing.

"Stop it."

"No."

"_Stop singing_." She roars the words, and they grate against her throat. He stops, and he stares. Skulduggery slowly arises from his meditating state.

"What was _that_?" Fletcher asks softly. She crosses her arms and scowls.

"Why do you want to know?"

"I dunno. That was pretty sexy."

At this point, Skulduggery starts laughing.

Curse words are Employed by one Valkyrie Cain.

* * *

**A/N: Fletchyrie, if you want to see it there.**

**I wanna write some fluffy stuff involving Murder Rose and Sev...**

**~Mademise Morte, December 7  
**


	8. Gifts

"I'm bored."

"That's nice."

"You're heartless, Ghastly, has anyone ever told you that?"

"Well, you're surprisingly immature for a girl who's a couple of centuries old."

"For God's sake…"

"Yes?"

"Could you _please_ stop being so reasonable? It's annoying me."

"Whatever makes you happy."

"Ghastly?"

"Yes, Tanith?"

"It's almost Christmas."

"Very true."

"What are you going to get me?"

"What do you mean?"

"You know, for Christmas. A present. What will you give me?"

"You'll have to wait and find out, right? Anyway, what are you going to give me?"

"Wait and find out…"

* * *

**A/N: Tanistly :D**

**~Mademise Morte, December 8  
**


	9. Fetishes

"Merry Christmas, Valkyrie."

"Thank you Caelan. May I open it?"

"Of course. It's for you, after all."

Valkyrie Cain opens the Christmas present calmly. It is a necklace.

"It's beautiful. Thanks."

"It fits you."

She rolls her eyes. "Of all the vampires I could have had as boyfriends, I get the one with a neck fetish."

"All vampires have neck fetishes. It's an integral part of being a vampire. At least I don't have a thing for corsetry and underwire…"

She shudders. "True enough."

* * *

**A/N: Stereotyped, yes, but I really wanted to do a Valan...**

**~Mademise Morte, December 9  
**


	10. Kissin'

Fletcher slams the door open. He is grinning widely and idiotically. His facial expression suggests that he is either extremely happy or suffering from strychnine poisoning.

Tanith and Valkyrie jump slightly at the sound, separating quickly. In spite of herself, Tanith begins to blush.

He walks in and stares at them a moment. He then begins to laugh.

"Bugger off, Fletch," Valkyrie says oh-so-demurely.

"Whatever." He stalks off, humming a popular song, one of the idiotic variant involving the stereotypical, mainstream representation of LGBT. Tanith stops blushing.

"Screw you!"

* * *

**A/N: Happily enough, I don't own the song I insinuated. Katy Perry does. (It's called 'I Kissed A Girl', I believe.)  
**

**I'm not even going to apologize just in case you actually like it. I don't really, and now I've got it stuck in my head because one of my _acquaintances_ was singing it. **

**Yeah...**

**It was my birthday today. It was so much lovelier than the one I had a couple of years ago (I believe I was busy being extremely seasick. I was in an airplane then XD).  
**

**~Mademise Morte, December 10  
**


	11. Holiday

China Sorrows opens the door of the house slowly and tentatively, after ringing the rusty old bell thrice. A tangled bundle of yarn and knitting needles is promptly thrown at her. She raises an eyebrow.

The small woman called Zephyr blushes and stands. She extracts the knitting from China's hands. "Sorry," she says, not looking overly penitent.

"You are Zephyr, the partner of Sev?"

"Yes. You would be?"

"China Sorrows. I wished to hire you."

"When?"

"As soon as possible."

"We are not taking assignments until after the new year, I'm afraid."

"But you're the best."

"And we deserve a break. Come back next year, if you would. Good day."

"Good day." China leaves, somewhat offended.

A little while after this, Sev returns. He is presented with a slightly mangled scarf. "Merry Christmas."

He takes it, smiling. "Merry Christmas to you too, Zeph. Love you."

"Love you." He sits down next to her, and they are quiet for a while, just basking in each other's company.

"Who was here earlier, by the way?"

"Someone who wanted to hire us. I told her to come back next year."

"Good."

* * *

**A/N: A bit of fluff on one of the sweetest couples ever :D**

**~Mademise Morte, December 11  
**


	12. Memory

"You're about four-hundred years old, right Skul?"

"I am indeed."

"Then why do you like stuff from the twentieth century, like Sinatra and the Bentley? Shouldn't you be, like, Shakespearean or something?"

"It's a personal preference. The twentieth century was amazing, and it's fresher in my mind."

"So you have a really short memory."

"You could say that…"

"So, what was Christmas like in the past?"

"It was really very grand. Sparkles and such. I think you would have hated it, honestly."

"Are you implying that I'm unfit for grand company?"

"I wouldn't _dare_."

* * *

**A/N: I have actually been wondering about this for forever...**

**~Mademise Morte, December 12  
**


	13. Echo

The Echo sighs to himself. Christmas will be lonely, he decides. It will be lonely without Melissa, without China, without 'Maryllis.

He will be alone, in the great, hollow study, and he will be suitably, tragically miserable all throughout the Christmas season. There. It is decided.

He steps out of the stone, and pauses. He grins.

Valkyrie has decorated it with sparkles and glitter, and she is sitting in his chair, smiling at him. "Merry Christmas," she says.

* * *

**A/N: No incest was intended at all, I swear.**

**Please believe me.**

**~Mademise Morte, December 13  
**


	14. Mistletoe

Mistletoe is our excuse. It's the reasoning for these illicit little kisses, these forbidden little touches, masked so nicely by blushes and averted stares. Mistletoe, a simple plant.

Because we'd never be accepted if we were to be out in the open- we, the magical, we, the powerful, we, the _necessary_. So we hide behind our mistletoe.

It's pathetic, that _the_ Torment and the man called Ghastly Bespoke should have to hide like this, but…

We do.

* * *

**A/N: Ahahaha.**

**New favorite ship, right here.**

**~Mademise Morte, December 14  
**


	15. Dalliance

There are many things in this world that can, and do, annoy one miss China Sorrows. There are few that can make her actually show her annoyance past a cutting word or a disapproving sigh.

Finding out that her servant (often referred to as 'the thin man') has been dallying with Remus Crux is one of them.

* * *

**A/N: It's not particularly Christmas-y, but it's sure as Hell crack :D**

**I make Crux such a man-whore... XD**

**Incidentally. I will probably not be able to post very much other than this Calendar for a little while. Packing for a seven week holiday is not a joke. Not remotely.**

**Also. Kenspeckle/Nye? Genius. I must write it...**

**~Mademise Morte, December 15  
**


	16. Absinthe

The copious consumption of alcohol is traditional for holidays, no matter the country, culture, or time period. At the Sanctuary's winter balls, the absinthe flows like wine, and it's not unusual to see odd couples kissing in a drunken stupor.

Thurid Guild is used to this, mostly, but he's never gotten over the sight of China Sorrows struggling to keep from decapitating the hordes of lovestruck sorcerers, even after seeing it so often.

Shockingly, she has managed not to actually kill anyone yet (this year).

* * *

**A/N: Absinthe is an extremely strong spirit, made from wormwood_. Wormwood._**

**~Mademise Morte, December 16_  
_**


	17. Snow

Snow is beautiful, and freezing and lovely. That's what everyone says. It coats everything and makes it pretty.

Clarabelle wishes Kenspeckle were here. That would make everything complete.

The drip of chemicals is unpleasantly reminiscent.

* * *

**A/N: #shudder#**

**~Mademise Morte, December 17  
**


	18. Cold

"I'm cold."

Fletcher hugged Valkyrie, smiling. She frowned.

"What're you doing?"

"You said you were cold."

"So you could get me a coat or something! Jeez..."

* * *

**A/N: I thought it was a nice reversal.**

**Two things:**

**I saw snow for the first time ever today :D It was pretty :D**

**London is bloody cold in the winter XD My hands are frozen...**

_**Mademise Morte, December 18**_


	19. Hair

"I love you, Caelan."

"Oh. I see."

"You don't love me back?"

"Not particularly, no."

"WHY?"

"I think it's something to do with the hair...

* * *

**A/N: I could say something pertinent and Christmassy, or I could explain the lack of updates.**

**All I have for the former is that Annie Lennox has _really_ mellowed out, so explanations it is.**

**Long story short, internet is semi-permanently disconnected from one of the two computers in this house, the one I'm technically allowed to use, Starbucks no longer offers free WiFi, and I'm sneaking onto the 'work' computer because the owner is asleep. Joy.**

**Incidentally. Does anyone know where the little squiggly thing I usually sign off with is on British keyboards?**

_**Mademise Morte, December 22**_


	20. Clothing

"Stephie, you know it's Christmas, right?"

"I do indeed, sister darling dearest."

"So, um... Why are you dressed for Halloween?"

"..."

* * *

**A/N: There's this video with (I think) Billy Corgan and Dennis DeYoung singing a Christmas carol, and Emilie Autumn is playing the violin, and one of the comments was about how she's dressed up for the wrong holiday XD**

_**Mademise Morte, December 22**_


	21. Dates

"Why so glum, Valkyrie?"

"Mum wants Fletcher over for Christmas dinner..."

"What's wrong with that?"

"I don't want to tell her we've broken up- she'd want to know who I'm with now."

"Why not tell her?"

"Every mother wants to hear her daughter is dating a skeleton many times her age, right?"

"Ah."

* * *

**A/N: Kehehe.**

_**Mademise Morte, December 22**_


	22. Orders

"Can I order a dress?"

"I'm afraid not, Tanith. I'm having enough trouble keeping up with all the Christmas orders as it is."

"Can I request one, then? Please?"

"Fine..."

* * *

**A/N: Tanistly :D**

_**Mademise Morte, December 22**_


	23. Eggnog

"D'you want some eggnog, Caelan?"

"No thank you, Valkyrie. I do not drink... Eggnog."

"Oh. OK."

"That was meant to be a joke."

"It wasn't funny."

* * *

**A/N: Ahaha... XD**

_**Mademise Morte, December 23**_


	24. Hearts

It is the night before Christmas, and in the dining room of the house that once belonged to Gordon Edgley, there is light and laughter and frenziedly fast speech, the sort you're only really _capable_ of when you've had a glass or five of champagne.

The stockings piled 'round the base of the tree are being pulled up by a grinning young Edgley. The tree is plastic this year, and regrettably devoid of a pine scent, but at least it's green (underneath all the ornaments, in any case).

Charming little presents are pulled out of the stockings. Smiles are smiled and laughs are laughed. Two people slip out to the corridor.

"Thanks for the bracelet. It's beautiful."

"I rather thought it suited you." (The bracelet in question is a band of brown leather, with studs of a silvery material hammered in.)

"It does rather, doesn't it?"

"That was my opinion. Thank you for the pocket watch."

"I thought you might want a new one. The old one is becoming quite worn."

"I agree. The carving is beautiful, incidentally." (There is a delicately engraved heart on it, obscured by scrolling, elegant vines and somewhat abstract curves.)

"I am glad it can be of use, my love."

"Symbolic?"

"Of course, Skulduggery. My heart is always yours, isn't it?"

"And mine yours, Tanith, mine yours."

* * *

**A/N: Not so much crack, more fluff, really.**

**I love opening the stockings on Christmas eve... I find that you always know, instinctively, who it was that has given the gift.**

**Is that so for others?**

**~Mademise Morte, December 24  
**


	25. Recovery

Tea is made for the tired girl. She smiles.

"Thanks, Skul."

The boy smiles and nods somewhat graciously. "A pleasure."

She is seated at the kitchen table, her hair strewn loose about her, and her eyes furrowed with sleep. She is handed the mug.

"Will you be all right?"

"Of course. I just need some rest, and I'll be completely recovered from the festivities."

"That's good, China."

"Obviously."

* * *

**A/N: I... Need... Sleep...**

**#collapses#**

**~Mademise Morte, December 25  
**


	26. Tiredness

"How are you, Clarabelle?"

"I am well, Fletcher, I am well."

"You look tired."

"Not exactly the smartest thing to say, but it is of no account. How are you?"

"Fine. Why are you tired?"

"Sort of hung-over, really, from all the drinking of the past few days…"

* * *

**A/N: That's basically the household just now XD Tired-looking and bleary and extremely, undeniably hung-over.**

**~Mademise Morte, December 26  
**


	27. Food

"I have cake!" One could practically hear the look on Clarabelle's face. It was a particularly cheerful one.

"That's nice."

"Yep! Would you like a slice?"

"I'm a skeleton, Clarabelle."

"Really?" She squinted. "Oh yeah, you are! Well, would you like some cake?"

"I'm a skeleton. I cannot eat." He spoke slowly, like you would to an idiot.

"You could look at it."

"No thanks."

* * *

**A/N: I thought I'd give Clarabelle some fluff, for once...**

**Into eternal depression did my soul sink at hearing that the weather is meant to go up to _seven degrees centigrade_ this week, so much so that I have managed to catch cold. Bof.**

**XD**

**~Mademise Morte, December 27  
**


	28. Friends

The rain is gentle against her leather clothing, so she ignores it. There is no make-up for it to ruin, anyway. On a second thought, she brings her grocery bag up closer to herself, protecting it from the damp.

"D'you want help with those?"

She looks at him speculatively, not even bothering to ask how he's suddenly here, so close to her house, and she hands him the bag of shopping. He stumbles around under its weight for a few moments, and she stifles a giggle or five at the sight.

They walk in silence, hers contemplative, his respectful. Her doorstep is reached, and she smiles. "Thanks for the assistance."

"It's nothing."

There's a moment full of tension and a great deal of subtext, and then she lifts the bag gently out of his arms. He smiles and slowly tiptoes to kiss her on the lips.

It is a testimony to Tanith's affection for him that she doesn't kick Fletcher's knees and send him sprawling.

* * *

**A/N: Tanith/Fletcher :)**

**Um. Has it occurred to anyone that if she sits on the ceiling to avoid him and he's looking up at her, like in that scene in TFO, it's, like, the perfect opportunity for him to look up her top?**

**XDXDXD**

**~Mademise Morte, December 28  
**


	29. Loneliness

The Nye is lonely. The Nye is alone. The Nye is _pathetic._

The Dullahan arrives, and brings with it another body.

The Nye is content.

* * *

**A/N: The Kenspeckle/Nye shall be a separate multichap, I have decided.**

**Can't wait to get started.**

**~Mademise Morte, December 29  
**


	30. Nice Day

"Hi!"

"Hello, Jane. How are you?"

"I'm great, Melancholia! You?"

"I am tolerably well. Why are you here?"

"Stephie sent me to bring you these cookies." Jane beams.

"Thank you, then."

"You're welcome!" Jane steps forward, hands Melancholia the basket and steps back again. "Stephie says to have a nice day!"

"Same to her, then."

* * *

**A/N: "Have a nice day." = "Burn in Hell, darling."**

**~Mademise Morte, December 30  
**


	31. Celebration

"Haappy birth-day to youuuuuu."

Valkyrie sings, cheerfully and out of tune, and she is carrying a cake with. It has no candle, but a little cohort of sparks dancing above it. She grins, and if the skeleton had had features, he would have smiled too.

"Thank you, Valkyrie," he says politely.

"Make a wish." There's something impish in the cast of her eyes.

He laughs, and, with a dramatic wave of his hand, lets the flames go out. He pauses for a moment, considers.

"I cannot eat this."

"I know." She grins.

"You have here an entire cake."

"Yep."

"Which I cannot eat, as I have stated."

"No shit, Sherlock."

"You're planning to eat the lot, aren't you?"

"It's not impossible."

He sighs.

* * *

**A/N: Cute stuff :D**

**So, opinions. Shall I undergo a year-long calendar endeavor? I will obviously have a few breaks, such as when I'm on holiday, but I'll compensate as necessary.**

**Worst comes to worst, we can take bets on how long I'll manage before giving up XD**

**Happy new year...  
**

**~Mademise Morte, December 31  
**


	32. Dedications

Now, my dears, as we (probably) all know, it's basically my habit to put up one last chapter of my Calendars, the first day of the next month, containing dedications and something extra.

Here we go, then.

* * *

**Dedications**

Many things have gotten me through this month, calendar and holiday season pretty much alive.

Most prominent among these is the individual known as NerdySkeleton, one Miss Yvette Quick, who, during our haphazard communication through PMs and reviews and review replies, has given me the fortitude to cope with a great deal, so, thanks to her.

Thanks also to YayForMagicDetectivesAndStuff, or Miss Skylar Song, for reviewing amazingly regularly and spurring me out of my laziness.

Some vague form of emotion hovering between gratitude, amusement and pure distaste is proffered to the reviewer who has gone under the various guises of "the critique 08", "soft-pretzel", "_oft _pretzel" _[sic.]_, "Chicken wings last forever" _[Again, sic.]_, "volleyball chapm 1938", "gay-girl1121", "lala lubzy", "jalapenose", "DEAR", "julius talk-alot", "heaven-ways" and "too".

To my other reviewers, less frequent though those reviews may have been (XD), my thanks are great. Thus far, your ranks consist of That Creepy Kid (Or Miss Freedom Sparks), Miss Holly Swift, ThinkChimerical, Blaze Moonlight, Miss Igneous Pride, Sir (XD) Vladmir North, A Girl Named K, Destiny's Fighter, Miss Tariana Grace and I Fight I Win.

And, you know what? Thanks to _you_, if you're reading this, just because you are. Even if you don't review, and we all know how annoying that can be.

* * *

**The Something Extra**

A little Skulduggery-fied carol, based on a song that usually involves a bizarre number of birds.

_On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… An extremely shiny black Bentley._

_On the second day (etc.)… Two Toxic Twins and an extremely shiny black Bentley._

_On the third day (etc.)… Three Elder Mages, two Toxic Twins (etc.)._

_On the fourth day (etc.)… Four elementals, three Elder Mages (etc.)._

_On the fifth day (etc.)… Five Black Crystals… (etc.)_

_On the sixth day (etc.)… Six Necromancers, five Black Crystals (etc.)…_

_On the seventh day (etc.)… Seven Teleporters, six Necromancers (etc.)…_

_On the eighth day (etc.)… Eight thirsty vampires, seven Teleporters (etc.)…_

_On the ninth day (etc.)… Nine Echo-Stones, eight thirsty vampires (etc.)…_

_On the tenth day (etc.)… Ten puzzle boxes, nine Echo-Stones (etc.)…_

_On the eleventh day (etc.)… Eleven Adepts working, ten puzzle boxes (etc.)…_

_On the twelfth day (etc.)… Twelve warriors fighting, eleven Adepts working (etc.)…_

_End._


End file.
